You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.

That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pet wouldn't think anything of it.

Develop flexibility and you will be firm

Happiness does not exist, nor should it, and if there is any meaning or purpose in life, they are not in our peddling little happiness, but in something reasonable and grand. Do good!

I walk like I'm on a mission 'cause that's the way I groove. I got more and more to do and less and less to prove.

I love what I do. If I have the opportunity to do what I do with people I admire, it's 10 times better.

Its just you and your opponent at the board and you're trying to prove something

I don't want anyone hacking us. And I'm not only talking about countries. I'm talking about anyone, period.

Considering how little the beginning or the ceasing to love is in our own power, it is foolish and unreasonable for the lover or his mistress to complain of one another's inconstancy.

I guess there should be somewhere on the Internet that feels like a source of sacred truth. But Wikipedia sure isn't it.

Brothers, what we do in life........echoes in eternity.

A family ... is a little kingdom, torn with factions and exposed to revolutions.