You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

To break yourself loose from the dominion, ruler-ship and manipulation of the devil, you have to embrace light (knowledge).

the old maxim... "there are three things necessary to success in life--Impudence! Impudence! Impudence!

Relationships tend to be flawed because they are made up of inherently flawed components, mere human beings.

You are moving forward one way or another.

Don't brood on what's past but never forget it either.

I grew up in a very politically aware family. My mother always taught me to question everything, never believing anything simply at face value - especially the nicest, most adamant politicians.

She had never loved him so much as she did in that instant.

Even a broken clock gets it right occasionally.

We cannot have real independence unless the people banish the touch-me-not spirit from their hearts.

We're not the cause, we're the effect.