You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

One’s Use of Life’, if turns into worldly selfishness is called adharma (irreligion), and if it turns into spiritual selfishness (towards true self) is called dharma (religion).

Be warned: A person content to sit with you and criticize others will speak critically of you out of earshot.

I experience transcendence when something infinite reminds me I am finite.

The media never covers all the evil wars that's promoted.

Your half-caff double vanilla latte is getting cold over here, Francis.

In the formative days of the Republic, the directing influence the Bible exercised upon the fathers of the Nation is conspicuously evident.

Me and Mr. Brainwash in Toronto signing his mural at Hard Candy Fitness Opening! #artforfreedom

I don't really have those kinds of intentions when I write a scene. I try to follow the internal logic of the fiction, rather than make an argument or an assertion.

I hope she saw the passion, and no need to tell Mark Anthony about it.