You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I have loved you all my life, Mal, " I whispered through my tears. "There is no end to our story.

As long as some sufferThe River Flows ForeverAs long as there is painThe River Flows ForeverAs strong as a smile can beThe River will Flow Forever

If you don't believe in a line, then you come off as the loser.

The first show I ever worked on was The Killing, which was a whodunit crime show.

Genius. It's a word. What does it really mean? If I win I'm a genius. If I don't, I'm not.

They say your genetics are going to set your direction regardless of what happens, but I think there's more to it than that.

I am hopeful for the American people that we can actually improve the outlook for bringing down costs in health care.

Constant labor of one uniform kind destroys the intensity and flow of a man's animal spirits, which find recreation and delight in mere change of activity.

Podcasting might be thought of as a form of academic gift

The only difference about us in here and you guys out there is we're braver for about 15 minutes longer. That's it.