You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

Our progress as a nation can be not swifter than our progress in education.

Our strong spirit will survived every situation.

Until you're ready to look foolish, you'll never have the possibility of being great".

The woods are full of poison berries but you don't have to eat them.

The art of our necessities is strangeThat can make vile things precious.

Wrinkles here and there seem unimportant compared to the Gestalt of the whole person I have become in this past year.

Television happens very quickly. It was like a shot of adrenaline into me, as a filmmaker, and my career. You can hit town, do the show, and leave with this incredible energy behind you.

I was never a man of great ambition I cried too easily I didn't have a head for science Words often failed me While others prayed I only moved my lips

When there is official censorship it is a sign that speech is serious. Where there is none, it is pretty certain that the official spokesmen have all the loud-speakers.

My judges preach against free love openly, practice it secretly.