You know I've got a chum, a smashing mate, he's got a dog with no legs, and he calls it a cigarette. It's true, yeah, because at nighttime he has to take it out for a drag.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

Such is life and life is such and after all it isn't much. First a cradle. Then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse.

I owe everything to the army.

It was absolutely thrilling to meet Laurel and Hardy, they were so nice.

But no, I've just been very lucky. But I've worked hard, and the harder you work, the luckier you seem to get.

I've got one idea I want to do for a film and you know I just enjoy myself doing bits and pieces.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry

All my boyhood, all I ever wanted was to be loved.

My comedy is for children from three to 93. You do need a slightly childish sense of humour and if you haven't got that, it's very sad.

I don't know nothing about communism. But I know the Albanians loved me. Same reason as anyone else loves me. Because I made them laugh.

Belief made no difference to the truth.

Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

Write what you’re scared about.

Every actor wants to get their two cents in about a scene at the end of the day.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.

For me, the sexiest men don't know they're drop-dead gorgeous. Not that I'd ever rule out a pot-bellied plumber in the right circumstances.

The thing I would most like to see invented is a way of teaching children and grown-ups the difference between right and wrong.

A monk is not forbidden to marry, but if he takes a wife she becomes a monk with the same powers and privileges and occupies the same social position as her husband.

Charisma is the result of effective leadership, not the other way around.

Redundancy of language is never found with deep reflection. Verbiage may indicate observation, but not thinking. He who thinks much says but little in proportion to his thoughts.