You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

Old books that we have known but not possessed cross our path and invite themselves over. New books try to seduce us daily with tempting titles and tantalizing covers.

There was no point in the gods trying to separate us. Whether we were on Earth or in hell, we'd spend the rest our days look for the other.

Measuring nuclear yield depends on multiple parameters - the location and number of instruments, the geology of the area, the location of the seismic station in relation to the test site.

Paradise is hidden in each one of use, it is concealed within me too, right now, and if I wish, it will come for me in reality, tomorrow even, and for the rest of my life.

Some people don't even recognize real love when it comes without being called or sought.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

I'm always looking for insights into the real Doris Day because I'm stuck with this infatuation and need to explain it to myself.

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.

The labor movement can be rebuilt, as has happened before after sharp declines.

The pleasure a reader gets is often equal to the pleasure a writer is given.