You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

It is intolerable to have one's sufferings twinned with anybody else's.

A lot of people, especially psychoanalysts, assume that happiness can only be found in a couple - but not all of us are made for a relationship.

They leave to test the waters but fail to realize the waters are full of rapids.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

It is relatively easy to design for the perfect cases, when everything goes right, or when all the information required is available in proper format

No one imagines that a law professing to tax will be permitted to destroy.

I feel that I'm more of a speed player, being able to rush the edge with a lot of speed coming around the corner. But I also have the athletic ability to cover and play in space.

Listening causes me to find the existence of truth behind the veil.

I think it's more than whether or not you win or lose. It's having that opportunity on that final round, final nine, to come down the stretch with a chance to win.

I'm one of these people that always looks on the bad side of the fence.