You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

You can only make magic if you act at the right time when the right conditions are in place

Unfortunately, Susan didn't remember what Jane Fulton once said, 'Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

Every decision you make, makes you. Never let other people choose who you’re going to be.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Don't be afraid of death so much as an inadequate life.

Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle.

I wasn't born of a whistle or milked from a thistle at twilight No I was all horns and thorns sprung out fully formed, knock-kneed and upright.

I guess I try to find the humor by juxtaposing deeper themes in literature with what people perceive as being lighter, disposable children's fare in comics.

The more gifted and talkative one's characters are, the greater the chances of their resembling the author in tone or tint of mind.

Paul substituted faith in Christ for the Christlike life.