You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

The age of reason may have had its golden age, but the age of emotion endures forever.

I like poetry when I don't quite understand why I like it. Poetry isn't just a question of wrapping something up and giving it to someone else to unwrap. It just doesn't work like that.

With few words, one can speak the truth.

A really good horror film has a story.

A writer never has a vacation. For a writer, life consists of either writing or thinking about writing.

I can't stop once I've started.... it stings!

This is what I think: If you had the nerve to live what you lived, you should have the nerve to write it.

I don't think it's the worst thing ever to start when you're in your twenties. You're not burnt out, you're going to stick around and most of the best cyclists are in their 30s.

If you want God's grace, all you need is need, all you need is nothing.