You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Well-being is attained little by little, and nevertheless is no little thing itself.

You're always fascinated by what you do, and how other people look at it.

Typography can be as exciting as illustration and photography.

God only knows what else is on the web about me.

Have you ever seen a really good chocolate dish & women? It affects women not like men. It’s incredible.

No misfortune is worse than underestimating the enemy. Underestimating the enemy, I risk losing my treasure.

Everything in my life has been challenging but rewarding.

Big people don't make people feel small.

I actually had a movie green lit at Disney the same week 'Burlesque' was green lit - a movie for Disney called 'Mash-Up', about a high school marching band.