You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery...

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

Initially, the truth may hurt, but lies hurt always.

No matter how successful or great you become, never forget that you are nothing without the mercy of God.

Resistance to change" is our fine ability to create reasons to crib and criticize.

Come, my pretender, my fritter, my bubbler, my chicken biddy! Oh succulent one, it is but one turn in the road and I would be a cannibal!

As the tree is bent, so it will grow.

A situation where people can grow old without having a job that rewards them individually while adding to the collective well-being is morally unacceptable.

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

It takes years for me to trust; I know that about myself. A lot of it is because I am so private, and so reluctant to make myself vulnerable.

The money in politics is a cash cow for the media.

Well, I'm from Indiana. So to me when I was a little kid growing up, Cincinnati was the glamorous New York of it all.