You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The graveyard is an everlasting resting place.

Well, the rain had stopped but the pain was still there.

Direct threats require decisive action.

A world is a circumscribed portion of sky... it is a piece cut off from the infinite.

When I finish an album and I find myself listening to it in the car, because it makes me feel a certain way, that's the time to try to let other people know about it.

Women play a couple of roles. They are in professional schools and increasingly producing the talent to keep the engines of the economy growing, but they're also the nurturers and the caregivers.

The history says quarterbacks get paid more than running backs, but I think it depends on the caliber of the player - what you're getting, not just what the position is.

I'd love to be able to fit in a box. Like one of those people who fit into small boxes. I'd love it.

Love is like a roller coaster. It can take you to the highest, most spectacular heights or drop you to bottom in seconds. However, even with the risks, love is undoubtedly worth it in the end.

To the frivolous Christianity is certainly not glad tidings, for it wishes first of all to make them serious.