You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

Yes, they mean well, but the only good that an absence of malice guarantees is a clear conscience.

I hope that some day the practice of producing cowpox in human beings will spread over the world - when that day comes, there will be no more smallpox.

I am convinced that it is not the fear of death, of our lives ending that haunts our sleep so much as the fear... that as far as the world is concerned, we might as well never have lived.

What amazes me is how far some people will go to justify their behavior to themselves, just to preserve that self-perception.

Liberty has never lasted long in a democracy, nor has it ever ended in anything better than despotism.

Who is the honest man? He that doth still and strongly good pursue To God, his neighbor, and himself most true: Whom neither force nor fawning can Unpin, or wrench from giving all their due.

Greatness is always built on this foundation: the ability to appear, speak and act, as the most common man.

Whoever finds that they're not prepared to give their all should draw the inescapable conclusion from that and stop.

I think I had to see how bad it could really be to want to live again.

But when I wasn't working, I was usually at a window looking down at Earth.