You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Spiritual-self consist of self-confidence and self-power.

Writing fulfils an insatiable drive. Finishing the story satisfies my thirst. But I must keep drinking until the story quenches a buyer.

I instinctively live. I do what I do. A lot of people live off of logic rather than emotions. I just live off of emotion.

A true friend is the one who holds your hand and touches your heart.

If wrinkles must be written on our brows, let them not be written upon the heart. The spirit should never grow old.

He had been eight years upon a project for extracting sunbeams out of cucumbers, which were to be put into vials hermetically sealed, and let out to warm the air in raw, inclement summers.

The ultimate search engine... would understand exactly what you mean and give back exactly what you want.

The worst enemy of human hope is not brute facts, but men of brains who will not face them.

For your benefit, learn from our tragedy. It is not a written law that the next victims must be Jews. It can also be other people.

My upbringing was very un-Hollywood. I was born in New York and grew up on a ranch.