You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

But Death was cunning.

You were in a mood to quarrel. Please inform me once the inclination passes.

Talking doom and gloom all day no longer fit who I was as a person.

Try out your ideas by visualizing them in action.

By turning every Yahoo search box into a Bing box, Microsoft may have bought itself the exposure it needs to be the next Google.

When you do not like human beings, you cannot make good portraits.

I love Prada shirts because they're so decorative and figure-hugging, but I also like Reiss shirts because they're clean, simple and look as if they've come off the peg from a design house.

It's gonna be one of the great achievements of this administration.

The passion for money is never fickle.

I always make mistakes and I always fix things up, as best I can, in the cutting room.