You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Character is made of duty and love and sympathy, and, above all, of living and working for others.

The lover knows much more about absolute good and universal beauty than any logician or theologian, unless the latter, too, be lovers in disguise.

In life's work, bliss and sacrifice are two sides of the same coin, complementary opposites.

I would love to have children, yes. Maybe even adopt them. I'm not sure that I should pass on my genes.

When I putt, my emotions collide like tectonic plates. It's left my memory circuits full of scars that won't heal.

Do not seek death, seek destruction.

When banks extend loans to their customers, they create money by crediting their customers’ accounts.

And to be honest, most actors are incredibly solipsistic.

God gets you to the plate, but once you're there you're on your own.

Other people's ideas of us are dependent largely on what they've hoped for.