You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

He did not hope that God heard his prayers

Is a man truly what he see himself to be?''Only if what he sees is true.

I had a terrible time with feminists in the Seventies. They hated me, those women. I think they hated everything.

Let us read with method, and propose to ourselves an end to which our studies may point. The use of reading is to aid us in thinking.

A Republic without parties is a complete anomaly. The histories of all popular governments show absurd is the idea of their attempting to exist without parties.

Continuous persecution of widows and orphans is a crime. Even the Bible says there is a specific place in hell for those who oppress widows.

Only peons made excusses for themselves she taught me. Never apologize, never explain.

War and hunger and ignorance and despair know no religious barriers.

Aphorisms have never seduced anybody, but they have fooled some into considering themselves worldly-wise.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.