You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

The proper function of a government is to make it easy for the people to do good, and difficult for them to do evil.

There will always be something scary in the world. You must choose whether or not to let it frighten you.The Venger Breegan, Quest for Evil: The Magic of the Key by Jenna Lindsey

You cannot write in the chimney with charcoal.

The union is much more than me, and when you think the union is you and it's not about who you represent, I think you've sort of lost your morals and focus and the purpose of your leadership.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

Streamlining the army with Chinese characteristics is the right choice for China in military modernization.

The storyboard department doesn't talk to the layout department, which doesn't talk to the writing department. They're all jealous of each other.

I dont like Miami that much. I dont like the weather. My base is Miami, but I travel a lot.

The first thing a fascist regime does is burn books. To not have them around would mean to make sure they're not written in the first place.

The spirit of Woody Guthrie lives in the heart of Chris Chandler.