You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Doctrines are meant to serve man, not the other way around.

People not only gain understanding through reflection, they evaluate and alter their own thinking.

To achieve world government, it is necessary to remove from the minds of men, their individualism, loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogmas.

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.

Disruption is, at its core, a really powerful idea, but everyone hijacks the idea to do whatever they want now.

It is not so much what we say or do that educates; what really educates is who we are.

If you really want to hurt your parents and you don't have nerve enough to be homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts.

You feel better in the short run when you have a tub of ice cream, but in the long run, you don't.

I am not much of a researcher as a novelist; I write mainly from experience.

How's it going down there?" "It's weird. They're too polite, they talk funny, and stuff has too much shine on it. But the coffee's worse than Central's, so that's something.