You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Heart of my heart, the world is young; Love lies hidden in every rose!

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

You want everyone to succeed in your family.

That's typical Gabrielle, ... Marc has a very clever plan for this pregnancy. It's going to turn her world upside down

You feed it all your woes, the ghostly garden grows.

I'm seeking to make sense of life, looking for its meaning and how we can have a better humanity.

The real question is what to live for. And I can't answer it. Except another one of your records. And another chance for me to write. Art for art's sake, corny as that sounds.

All great writers are schizophrenics, you know what I'm saying? 'Cause they switch up. They become the person when they write.

I know no diplomacy save that of truth.

I like PBS. I love Big Bird ... But I'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for it.