You know what I worry about? I worry that when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain, and it will eventually kill me.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

Humility is not a virtue in a writer, it is an absolute necessity.

I am a butterfly poetbirthed from painflying with the freedomof my verses.

I can't even explain to you how terrible that feels, that I equate dating a woman with punishment, shame, guilt, disappointment, reproach, reprimand, persecution. It's a nightmare.

The inner cities, education is almost worthless, it's horrible. We're going to have Common Core ended.

Only a madman would give good for evil

Everyone working 40 hrs a week should have a shot at a decent life.

When I love somebody, I love somebody. Like, I want to marry them. I don't date around. I haven't been on a date.

Look, people are allowed their own opinions and they don't always coincide with yours. As an artist you just have to keep plugging on.

We are alive within mystery, by miracle... We have more than we can know. We know more than we can say.

He that wants money, means, and content is without three good friends.