You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

The Church says: the body is a sin.Science says: the body is a machine.Advertising says: The body is a business.The Body says: I am a fiesta.

My preferences range from the gutter-like to the idyllically sublime, ideally with you roaming the range beside me...

In the United States there's a Puritan ethic and a mythology of success. He who is successful is good. In Latin countries, in Catholic countries, a successful person is a sinner.

Our own front door can be a wonderful thing, or a sight we dread; rarely is it only a door.

A BROKE MAN IS NOT A MAN WITHOUT A NICKLE, BUT A MAN WITHOUT A DREAM

I am a machine, condemned to devour them and then, throw them, in a changed form, on the dunghill of history.

She broke my heart. I didn't like that much. But that was the price. In this world, you get what you pay for.

A lot of the time when I write about the person that I love, I feel like I'm writing about New York.

Reason cannot save us, nothing can; but reason can mitigate the cruelty of living.

When you stop hoping you start settling.