You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Don't get pissy with me leech." With a glare, Carrow pressed her print to his torque. "Even tapped out, I can still do a love spell to make you fall in love--with the sun.

Your minute is your hour is your day is your week is your month is your year. If you want to make this year better, make each minute better.

Achievement is the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

It's so frightening, the nationalism in the air.

You don't learn algebra with your blessed soul. Can't you look at it with your clear simple wits?

M stands for Magic, Mystery, or Matrixaccording to taste

He enjoys true leisure who has time to improve his soul's estate.

I think all Americans should be hopeful, and try to be optimistic.

Being pro-life is an essential part of being a writer.

What did my arms do before they held you?