You know when Jerry Ford gets the best joke, you know you're in trouble.

The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it.

Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business. My business.

You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!

People are not in a good mood when any politician's face appears on television.

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

A Consultant is a guy who knows 125 different ways to make love, but who doesn't know any women.

Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.

If you call your opponent a politician, it's grounds for libel.

If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once.

The sacred exists only at the expense of the truth.

Some people have a thick skin and you don't. Your heart is really open and that is going to cause pain, but that is an appropriate response to this world.

I think my mom threatened to put me up for adoption a few times.

In the end, you're measured not by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.

There are few things, apparently, more helpful to a writer than having once been a weird little kid.

Sometimes string figures were used to illustrate stories, as in the case of an Eskimo example that depicts a man catching a salmon. Sometimes they had magic or religious significance.

If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.

If you've got nothing worth dying for, you've got nothing worth living for.

He who wants to get to the source must swim against the current.

The track is fast and I appreciate anything is possible.