You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Divinity retains the appearance of insight, when in reality it celebrates ignorance. Its tenets are so much clay, and when the clay sets, it becomes dogma.

What you decide to be today, you will become tomorrow.

There is no substitute under the heavens for productive labor. It is the process by which dreams become realities. It is the process by which idle visions become dynamic achievements.

Truth is the property of no individual but is the treasure of all men.

I'd like to make really important movies, like American Beauty. I was really proud to be a part of that movie.

This solidity is not true. The apparent solidity is the delusion of the senses and of the self. Everything is made up of infinite, intelligent light.

The test of good education is seeing how it behaves in a fight.

My success is the team's success. It's one of those things to a certain degree that it's effort and ability but also how I benefit from what my teammates do, and then it is up to me to perform.

Say yes, babe, or I'll spill you off over the Wall next time - got it?

Larger deficits are necessary and proper means to mitigate unemployment as the far greater evil in terms of human welfare.