You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

I am of the opinion that there is nothing which has been produced by the will of man which cannot in its turn be altered by another human will.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

But you're like me,” he says. “An outsider. Different. A freak. We're both weird, which is why we get along.

Nothing that is of real value can be lost, only the false dissolves.

I've always been dead set against festivals, really suspicious and wary.

The issue of faith is not so much whether we believe in God, but whether we believe the God we believe in. (p.35)

It's like obituaries, when you die they finally give you good reviews.

To consult the statistician after an experiment is finished is often merely to ask him to conduct a post mortem examination. He can perhaps say what the experiment died of.

For all you know, the way I act could very well be an act. Or maybe it isn't. I could be the most dangerous, most vicious one of the bunch, because no one takes me seriously!