You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Many things can cause us to worry, but a kind word or deed can do wonders. Sometimes that's all we need to feel better.

What we find changes who we become.

So sad, so fresh the days that are no more.

Please don't believe everything you hear about me, regardless of how true it may be.

Christ's work needs no repetition. It is final because it is perfect.

If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.

Justice without wisdom is impossible.

I am sure people tell you this constantly but if you looked up 'incredibly beautiful' in the dictionary there would be a picture of you.

Camera but no selfies, which represent selfishness and egotism. Social media? Again: not really me.

It is the nature of truth to struggle to the light.