You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

As a kid, I always wanted to obviously win a Super Bowl. Now that I've got one, it's like, 'Now what?' Let's go get another one!

Professors of classics - not even a professor of English - professors of classics, they're something sacred; it's almost like being a priest.

I had known Cole Porter in Hollywood and New York, spent many a warm hour at his home, and met the talented and original people who were drawn to him.

One alters the past to form the future but there is a real significance to the pattern which finally appears, which resists all further change.

We'd like to be humble...but what if no one notices?

Elephants are contagious.

The universe may be as great as they say. But it wouldn't be missed if it didn't exist.

The benefit of living in a free society is that we all have the choice to be rich, poor, or middle class. The decision is up to you.

Basing our happiness on our ability to control everything is futile.

The beginning of love is all about the butterflies, but the end of it is when you can't get out of bed in the morning.