You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.

You need to take some time off and delve into the study of the topic you are interested in

Modern architecture predominately specializes in designing what are essentially dimly lit caves.

If you want more money, don't pay attention to the money. Pay attention to the thing that makes the money.

I think a lot of people were like, "Oh, you're 13, you're gonna rebel." But I was never in public school and I was never really forced to do much of anything, as a kid.

Nothing can afford a woman greater pleasure than to hear tender words of love. The strictest, most devout woman will listen even if she must not answer.

If I ever teach writing again, I’d say the first lesson is to listen.

Some women are like elephants. I don't mean size, I mean they never forget.

Now the Earth with many flowers puts on her spring embroidery

Every company knows what they do Some know how they do it Very few know why