You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Don’t tell me your name. It’s likely to awaken my conscience, and that’s the last thing we want.

If doesn't kill you outright, it just puts you into intensive care for months.

There are signs, I think, that people aren't satisfied by consumerism: that people resent the fact that the most moral decision in their lives is choosing what colour their next car will be.

We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.

To what purpose is it to be artificially happy on the surface?

The beauty of the written word is that it can be held close to the heart and read over and over again.

I'm still wondering about the Phantom in the chair, you know at the end of Phantom [of the Opera], so I guess that's my sort of idiocy. I still haven't figured out how they do that.

Working in the studio is a more personal experience whereas on stage in front of a billion people, its more exciting performing live.

At school, I was this tomboy kid who just loved to hang out with her friends and learn curse words, trying to fit in with the cool kids and defending all the kids who got picked on.

The interdependency of humankind, the relevance of relationship, the sacredness of creation is ancient, ancient wisdom.