You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

Danger past, God is forgotten.

The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.

there was no television in the Netherlands during the afternoons!

'The Nightmare Before Christmas' is my number one biggest influence artistically in every way.

Beyonce has set the tone as an aunt. I've set the tone as a mom.

Common sense is usually lack of imagination, and imagination is usually lack of common sense.

I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.

And love's the noblest frailty of the mind.

I sit every once in a while and I think about plays and films I can do with William Petersen into our eighties. He's the most incredible scene partner I've ever had.

It's a letdown if the comedian doesn't finally actually really sit on his hat.