You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

God is love, as we love we become like God

He turned around to see the bass drum popping and the horn sections pointing their instruments to the balconies and sending glorious notes to the rooftops.

Angie: "How do I pitch these ideas to her?"Mira: "From a distance, preferably wearing body armor.

Anger may seem to be a source of energy, but it’s blind.

What are humans? They are unserious creatures in this serious universe! And because they are unserious, they appear and disappear quickly!

On God for all events depend You cannot want when God's your friend. Weigh well your part and do your best Leave to your Maker all the rest.

Fiction becomes a place where I face certain fears such as losing language or losing my children.

If there is no absolute moral standard, then one cannot say in a final sense that anything is right or wrong.

Iran is actively pursuing the development of weapons of mass destruction and ballistic missiles.

Love is a cunning weaver of fantasies and fables.