You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

...oppression is as American as apple pie...

From the cradle to the grave, joy and pain is the fertilizer for wisdom.

I think about stories and their logic and wonder if there can be any such thing as simply "there is a book.

Trust me." The words are a prayer, not a warranty. I understand that now.

Don't run from your pain — run into your pain.

Who you spend your time with is who you are, or who you will soon become.

On that terrible day, a nation became a neighborhood. All Americans became New Yorkers.

How I was brought up and my imaginary friend means more to me than anything you can ever say or do.

He has a great pass, great vision, great shot, great everything.

We are limited but we can push back the borders of our limitations