You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Begin to chase your dreams with great passion.

It is sometimes but the mere hope for enjoyment that allows one to enjoy something, even when he is not really enjoying it at the moment.

The 'well-informed citizenry is in danger of becoming the 'well-amused audience'.

Judgment of eye, speed and attack are the basis of victory.

Nothing in the world is more common than unsuccessful people with talent, leave the house before you find something worth staying in for.

The Big Hurt describes me perfectly-not as a person, but as a player. It's what I do to a baseball.

As soon as the man is at one with God, he will not beg. He will then see prayer in all action.

Oh, gods, you’re mated! I really hope it’s to Aimee. (Bride) Thankfully so. Otherwise I’d have had to kill me some ho and then beat Fang senseless. (Aimee)

I love going to the feed store and drinking coffee and talking about how much rain we need.

To me, style is all about expressing your individuality freely and courageously.