You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Joy isn't grounded in our circumstances

Most of the time our stress is useless. It's because we don't see the outcome of things. God does.

Awakening begins when a man realizes that he is going nowhere and does not know where to go.

real strength is not hitting when what you most want to do is kill.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I'm not different. I'm not different at all. The wrapping is different but the gift is still the same.

The ambitious deceive themselves in proposing an end to their ambition; that end, when attained, becomes a means.

For what purpose could the enumeration of particular powers be inserted, if these and all others were meant to be included in the preceding general power?

I don't have a favorite place to play.

I love Katy Perry! She gave me a song for my second album.