You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Lineation can make your break your poems.

Since obscenity is the truth of our passion today, it is the only stuff of art -- or almost the only stuff.

It is when judgment ceases that healing occurs.

It's been a great place to get in touch with what people are really thinking. And to make contact with readers and other writers. Egalitarian, wide open, like the Wild West!

The need for some venture of faith still remains; one must stake one's life upon something.

There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged.

My Caps Lock Key Is Loud!

If one really knew what one was doing, why do it? It seems to me if you had the answer why ask the question? The thing is there are so many questions.

The fortunes of the entire world may well ride on the ability of young Americans to face the responsibilities of an old America gone mad.

It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.