You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Believe that your life is not ordinary and never look down on what you can do to impact a life.

If you want to conquer fear then you have to put fear on your fears.

Nobody should have to choose between a cold heart and a dead heart.

One principle reason why men are so often useless is that they ... divide and shift their attention among a multitude of objects and pursuits.

I have never known a woman who, after her baby was born, was not overjoyed that I had not killed it.

What's great about good writing is that it feels like life, so it's not hard to relate to her circumstances.

Video games are like a religion; you want to get people tattooing your little logo on their body so they’ll get somebody else interested in it too.

I'm grateful for believing in a religion that can naturally adapt to changing times yet uphold timeless values and principles.

When the playful me shows up, I am ready to be a serious learner … a culture of playfulness is closely related to the capacity to learn.

If you say something, then it exposes you.