You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

Everyone I meet wants to give me directions, but I'm not lost.

Leave him with his God. I’m sure He’s as hard and unforgiving as Cain is. I don’t want to know about Cain’s God. If he is anything to be guided by, I’d rather be an atheist, thank you.

He does good to himself who does good to his friend.

I cannot listen to Beethoven or Mahler or Chopin or Bach when I write because those composers require you stop what you are doing and listen.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

We live forever by the grace of human love, which rocked strange children in their cradles and did not despair and did not turn away.

The Affordable Care Act is no longer affordable.

Thanks Darling for the beautiful flowers and all the prayers. Now can you just get my puppy past security?

Of course I didn't have a boyfriend then. I didn't even have a camp boyfriend then [at age of 13].

The secret of getting along with people is that of postponing quarrels.