You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

A mindset that understands order, is a mindset that can understand leadership.

To confer dignity, forgive. To express contempt, forget.

Come cook food with me and do nothing.

There are days where I've lost weight and I feel bigger or fatter or uglier and I want to just hibernate. I'll find every excuse not to exercise. I hate it.

The Americans who framed our Constitution felt that without freedom of religion no other freedom counted.

Ah! Do not judge the gods, young man, they have painful secrets.

Those who know me know I won't hesitate to turn around and point someone out.

Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with.

A Movie That Costs Only $1.6 Million Doesn't Have to Be a Cultural Event to Turn a Profit.

Remember that every man is a variation of yourself. No man's guilt is not yours, nor is any man's innocence a thing apart.