You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Dealing with pain for surviving on this thirsty concrete

"Will you walk into my parlour?" Said the spider to a fly: '"Tis the prettiest little parlour That ever you did spy."

Summer = yoga, snowcones, swimming & no makeup

It is not the truth that a man possesses, or believes that he possesses, but the earnest effort which he puts forward to reach the truth, which constitutes the worth of a man

When I did a Love Boat, it would go to so many different countries, and I would travel there and get this incredible response!

Occasionally, when I get mad at a woman, I'll do some great, awful painting about her.

Fear is the most elegant weapon, your hands are never messy

one year as his wife, and id have become one of those abject, quaking women who look at their husbands when someone asks them a question. I've always despised that type, but I see how it happens now

It's a little weird exchanging pictures for money. You know what I mean. It makes me a little uncomfortable.

He [Elton John] is pushing his face in all the time and telling us about his private life. Nobody's interested. He should just go away.