You’ll never be good if you don’t know that you are.

People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.

Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them.

I'm a nut, but not just a nut.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

You know how funerals are not for the dead, they’re for the living? Bachelor parties are not for the groom, they’re for the uncommitted.

You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.

Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.

The secret is to have a sense of yourself, your real self, your unique self. And not just once in a while, or once a day, but all through the day, the week and life.

We've taken a show about destruction and turned it into a show about construction.

Nothing is so improving to the temper as the study of the beauties either of poetry, eloquence, music, or painting.

It’s not about the dress you wear, but it’s about the life you lead in the dress.

I got out of the tub and had to squelch a scream when I saw my reflection in the vanity mirror. My hair looked like it had taken 2000 volts and been spray starched

My wives will be mine in eternity.

How unjust then to meet that person you love, and be kept away from them only because ones bed is made of hay , and the other, feathers.

I promise not to become a source of shame for you.

Certainly nobody gets married wanting to get divorced or even expecting to - except me.

Enlightenment is not a complete remedy.

I think the writer makes a good story good or a good story bad. The writer has a great deal of responsibility.