You'll paint some nursery and the kid will want to sleep in a drawer.

Death is the only thing keeping us in line.

Thank God there's somebody that doesn't like Stuart Scott. I'm so happy!. It was nice to have that counter-balance to ESPN.

I took time in the day to write as much of the book as I possibly could. I didn't write too much at night, because I don't like to - I'd rather watch TV.

I had to be happy with the process of writing.Each step you take is more rewarding than the one before.

You cannot hide from the world. It will find you. It always does. And now it has found me. My split second of immortality is over. All that's left now is the end, which is all any of us ever has.

For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit.

If you have a great characters, you can always have your character do nothing or do something stupid, and people will still follow them, because they're so real and so tangible.

I've hated cockroaches my entire life.Tweeting jokes about it helps me cope, in a way. I'm not as jumpy killing cave crickets as I used to be. I still jump plenty though.

I wanted to write a book that maybe had the potential to go beyond the Deadspin and KSK [Kissing Suzy Kolber] readership.

With toilet books, people don't review them that much. They don't really pay much attention to them. It's just like, "Oh, okay. I'll put this in your stocking."

I’ll let you into my heart but wipe your feet at the door.

It's not for nothing that the Iranians are known as rug merchants. They are.

Surrealism comes from the reality of Latin America.

Go away. I'm all right. [last words]

So I'm in that half-hour business where the most money is, so that eventually I feel like the people that put on the Dupont show, like maybe my artistic effort is going to be a little different.

A faithless woman, if known to be such by the person concerned, is but faithless; if she is believed faithful, she is treacherous.

If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

You can be an extreme materialist, thinking that economic development ultimately determines everything; then you are truly ideological.

The best piece of advice that my mother gave me is to never have a plan B. She told me to stick to plan A because if you have a plan B you will inevitably fall back on it.