You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

The day had begun like any other ordinary day for Barnabas Crackle. That is to say, as extra-ordinarily as his days typically began, which were the usual for our faithful protagonist.

Were women meant to do everything - work and have babies?

The interior life is often stupid.

But a stranger in a strange land, he is no one. Men know him not, and to know not is to care not for.

Only literature could reveal the process of breaking the law - without which the law would have no end - independently of the necessity to create order.

It's a normal way of doing business.

Of all the reasons for wanting to write, the only one that nurtures us through time is love of the work itself.

You have a lot to learn before becoming a champion. Once you are champion, you must accept the consequences.

The Highest Being reveals himself in man.

I've always thought space station is a great name. It should be like a gas station where we go for service and supplies before heading further out