You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Pray within. Stay within. Seek, find the Within. For, there's no heaven or hell or god anywhere but herein.

if companies are in business solely to make money, no consumer can fully trust what they do or say.

I am as far from a hypochondriac as you could ever be.

I'm not such an artist type that I can't handle the real world. I read the financial pages, because most people don't talk about art.

Its a fine line between love and stalking.

The test of love is that it gives even when there is no expectation of a return.

A rainy day is the perfect time for a walk in the woods.

You finish a movie and you think, there, you've done it, really well, or best you can. But if you watch it, you see it was just bollocks.

I've always allowed myself to go on journeys creatively and emotionally, and never put, like, limits on myself.

I've been getting plenty off my chest. Sometimes I get too much off my chest and I regret it.