You make me wanna staple bagels to my face, then remove them with a pitchfork.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

If I stay much longer, I think I will have fallen in love with you.

Strangers are exciting, their mystery never ends. But, there's nothing like looking at your own history in the faces of your friends.

The inertia of humans is so huge that you can't really do anything meaningful.

Perl should remain fast and intuitive (to the extent that it is :-)

Something will break very bad.

Observing and understanding are two different things.

In The Interestings I wanted to write about what happens to talent over time. In some people talent blooms, in others it falls away.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

Fortune rarely accompanies anyone to the door.

God put in man thought; society, action; nature, revery.