You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

A lie near to truth is always difficult to catch

I think you can't deny that because the cochlear implant exists, the signing world is shrinking.

Death is but an instant, life a long torment.

If the devil tells you something is too fearful to look at, look at it. If he says something is too terrible to hear, hear it. If you think some truth unbearable, bear it.

If we let Korea down, the Soviet[s] will keep right on going and swallow up one [place] after another.

All pain we experience is intended to move us closer to the goal of being holy as He is holy.

I do ask myself sometimes, what am I doing writing about animals that talk like we do? But I guess it's okay if it brings across a point.

Never have I had such assistants to disrobe me, and never have I put off my clothes before such a company

My days are spent wrangling children, chipping dried manure from boots, washing jeans, and frying calf nuts.

I think the best beauty trick is to take good care of your skin. Wash your face at night, wear sunscreen, and hydrate.