You need to know what doesn't work to know what works. It's especially true in improv and stand-up.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

When a thundering horde of drunken Vikings rush a person, it's only natural to flinch.

Ordinary people seem not to realize that those who really apply themselves in the right way to philosophy are directly and of their own accord preparing themselves for dying and death.

To many, Homer may appear lazy and a loser, but he's just much misguided. He's boorish, sure, but well meaning and, I guess, the one thing we have in common is the pursuit of lousy diets.

If we can be cheered up by positive images we can be depressed by negative ones. As long as we accept images as realities we are in that trap, because you can't control the images.

Disinformation about the state of climate change science is extraordinarily if not criminally irresponsible.

And by endlessly sanitizing our feelings, we actually feed a disgruntled nation.

Competition in academia is so vicious because the stakes are so small.

The patriarchal model of spirituality was, I think, a necessary step, as a baby learns to crawl before it walks.

Counting the ways the Book of Mormon brings peace to the soul is like counting the sand on the seashore.

When money is exchanged for pregnancy, some believe, surrogacy comes close to organ-selling, or even baby-selling.