You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Now, I don't smile because I have a perfect life or even because I'm having a perfect day - I smile because that's how I choose to deal with whatever life throws my way.

There are other tracks that are more reliant upon the beat. Like nobody's going to sit there and play "Harlem Shake" on the guitar!

The source of my power and strength is God, and I know it, without a shadow of a doubt.

memory is to love what the saucer is to the cup.

One good turn asketh another.

If you allow your perceptions to be dominated by a status-quo perspective these thought forms create a network of status-quo mental habit patterns.

I really do believe in the influence of your surroundings.

Don’t allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not.

Overlapping shapes are a safer indication of depth than is linear perspective.