You never have a friend all figured out. Just when you think you know what makes them tick, they tock.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie.

You can spend too much time wondering which of identical twins is the more alike.

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering.

Ever wonder what crime you committed that you are confined to a small enclosure above your sinuses, under permanent skull arrest?

If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that "Members not Present" and "Subjects Discussed" were one and the same.

It finally happened. I got the GPS lady so confused, she said, "In one-quarter mile, make a legal stop and ask directions.

For the most part, we carnivores do not eat other carnivores. We prefer to eat our vegetarian friends.

On a windswept hill by a billowing sea, my destiny sits and waits for me.

It is not that love is blind. It is that love sees with a painter's eye, finding the essence that renders all else background.

A greedy man is born to cavort with the devil.

He that endureth to the end shall be saved.

We have found that marriage should be made up of two forgivers. We need to learn to say, "I was wrong, I'm sorry." And we also need to say, "That's all right, I love you."

Stand-up is the kind of gig that'll show you where you're at.

You can do anything you want to do.

I've got to be active in life, and it's the same when I'm doing stunts in a movie: I'll do anything.

There's only one remedy for crime — get rid of the psychs! They are causing it!

My own father didn't talk a lot about feelings or emotions.

I'm kind of spoiled, but the great thing about life is that you never know what's around the corner.

The world sits quiet, as if sighing and taking a long inhale after what seemed like forever with mankind and the noise pollution.